The Surprising Truth About Google

Some of you have known this for a long time, but for others of you, I’m about to blow your mind.

You know those times that something seems wrong and you want to correct it? You want to comment a correction to someone’s typo on a post they wrote with an asterisk? You want to announce on your own social media that it drives you crazy when people use a certain phrase incorrectly? You want to make a shirt that announces a certain word doesn’t exist so people should stop using it? And then you want to argue with anyone who disagrees?

This is where the Surprising Truth About Google comes in. The truth is…

Google is free. And it’s accessible twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty-five days a YEAR (and even the sixty-sixth day of leap years).

You read that right. It’s free AND accessible. And you know what that means?

You can check yourself before you make yourself look like a heckin fool.

While perusing pinterest, I found barryworld.biz’s incredibly frustrating graphic about grammar peeves.

I even clicked on it to follow the link so I could comment a correction (because lol I used Google because I know about it’s fancy free and accessible features) and it took me to a link where I can order a shirt.

And because I was so miffed that I couldn’t comment my correction to barry’s world, I had to come blog about it. Because it literally takes THIRTY SECONDS to fact check grammar on Google.

I’m using literally in context right now, that’s how serious I am. And you know how I know it only takes thirty seconds? I’m an English major who has Googled numerous grammar questions over the years. I wrote multiple papers. I wrote for magazines. I wrote for newspapers. I edited newspapers.

And I still TO THIS DAY check myself with Google every time I am not one-hundred percent sure that I am using a word / apostrophe / phrase / hyphen correctly. That’s a lot of fetchin’ Googling, because I am one unsure Chiquitita.

Yet here are some brainless internet billies who’s thought processes are probably something like “hm. this word or phrase doesn’t sound right. I’m gonna tweet about how it’s not actually correct and make a shirt and wear it because I’m An Intellectual.”

And why do people believe and support said internet bozo who’s biggest life accomplishment is figuring out how to gain massive amounts of followers on the Twitter? Probably because what he’s saying makes sense. And whenever someone gets information from an unreliable source that they respect, do they bother to use the free, accessible fact-checking capable Google? No, why on earth would they.

I actually learned from the radio that the original phrase actually IS “I could care less”! I was as shocked as you are, so guess what I did before I started spreading the news? I used my resources that are literally right at my fingertips every second of the day and looked it up! And it’s true! But whenever I say that, people love to jump to attack mode and say “bUt It DoEsN’t MaKe SeNsE” as if everything else in the English language makes sense?

And a WRITER of the DICTIONARY made a whole YouTube video dedicated to the verification of irregardless as a word. Check it out, it’s only a minute or two and it uses a Mean Girls movie clip and it gives me life (probably because it proves people wrong): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEJ2HF3xuFk

Seriously. This lexicographer knows more than you. 

I think it’s especially funny when someone who has not studied the English language at all acts like some high and mighty pretentious protector of the grammar. That same dudebro probably doesn’t even know how to write a literary essay or what a white paper is. Yet his 2K twitter followers are thinking he’s some sort of word god because he made the same unoriginal, untrue claim as many people had previously and declared it his “pet peeve.” Give me a break.

But wait, there’s more! It works for more than grammar! You can fact check nearly anything on Google. Just pull out your phone and do a search before you go to correct someone next time. Because you might be the one who’s wrong. And instead of letting the whole world know that you’re wrong and obviously incapable of running a quick Google check to verify your facts, you could just educate yourself and stay silent and smart.

Some other things Google could help you with:

• Do you want to know the weather? You don’t have to ask Facebook!
• Baby names that start with any given letter? You don’t have to ask Facebook!
• Having a pointless argument about one of those math problems that randomly pop up on Facebook? Google! Can! Help! (but you know what else can help? Fifth grade math, people. It’s astonishing how few people know the order of operations.)

I use Google several times a day, and I’m a smarter person for it. I ask it questions that are probably embarrassing for someone my age to be asking, but that save me from public humiliation.* And I’m very thankful for that.

My latest Google discovery:

Did you know that several is not a synonym for many? It doesn’t mean a lot. It actually means not that many. Like, more than a few, but less than a lot. I was, as the kids say, shook, to discover that. Still a little shook, actually.

Anyway, my friends, this is my Public Service Announcement. And my desperate plea that you just ask Google before you engage in petty arguments.

* note: this does not mean like awkward and weird stuff that I know you’re thinking of. It means that I ask things like “can you vacuum up water” or “can you vacuum out your ear” because when I ask my mother these things, she gets irrationally angry that she gave birth to such a stupid human.

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My BA English Degree

Ever been so indecisive that you decide your college major in middle school and never look back?

It’s not because I was a reader, though. I mean, I enjoy reading, always have, but I’m not a huge fan of reading things that people think I should read/like reading because I’m an English major. Like, I’m not a big fan of the classics. In fact, I graduated an English major without having ever read the Great Gatsby. I withheld sharing that information publicly until I got my diploma bc I heard they could revoke your degree for something like that.

But my diploma came in the mail this week!! And now that I have all this English wisdom, I’d like to share it with you— (mostly the English Police™️ who think they know stuff when they don’t. And if you do know this stuff, sweet. I’m proud of you.)

1. A hoe is a garden tool. The correct spelling for that word referring to a prostitute is spelled just “ho.” So if you say you’re going out with all your “hoes” tonight, I fully expect there to be gardening. Also, I’ll refrain from inferring what that says about Santa.

2. Irregardless is a word. It almost just means the same as regardless, but irregardless, it’s a word.

3. The original phrase is I COULD care less. It doesn’t matter how much it doesn’t make sense and how “couldn’t care less” works better— the original phrase stands. Think about it—what do we say in the English language that actually makes sense? Like, my dad says “I don’t give a rat’s a—.” And like, ok, but tell me, dad—in what situation would you give a rat’s a—? Tell me so I can avoid it, please.

4. Things like lol, omg, tbh, brb, are not acronyms. They’re actually called initialisms? (Didn’t learn this til my LAST SEMESTER.) An acronym is something where each letter stands for a different word, but you pronounce as a word: NASA, REM sleep, LASER, NAFTA, OPEC, you get it. Initialisms, you pronounce each letter. Tbh, I’ll often do this with initialisms anyway. My favorite one is loml (love of my life) because it sounds like llama and golly gee what a fun word.

Side note: I saw an ad on Facebook about how you can rent llamas for your wedding and ?????? why? Who was at a wedding and thought— “this is beautiful. The lights, the dresses, the centerpieces… you know what it’s missing, though? A llama.” ????

Rofl is also fun. Some people say it sounds like Scooby Doo saying waffle. I think it kinda sounds like a British person saying raffle?

And they say that knowledge is power but honestly it’s ruined me-

It took a years, but I finally started saying “I am well” instead of “I am good” when asked “how are you?” And I sound like a pretentious tool. However, life hack: if someone asks you how you are, and you’re not feeling well emotionally, you can still say well and it will just mean you’re healthy. Unless you’re sick, you can think of your own life hack for that situation.

I overthink lyrics that I should just let go but like, I can’t handle it? Like I think that T Swift is one of the most amazing lyricists but I just can’t handle it in TIWWCHNT (great song) when she says “because forgiveness is a nice thing to do” and I’m like….YOU CANT “DO” FORGIVENESS. ITS NOT A VERB. And I could go on with other lyrics in her songs/songs of other awesome lyricists, so you let me know when you’re ready for those rants.

However, I’m not a grammar nazi and I never will be because 1. What a waste of life and 2. Those ppl are so obnoxious. I do, however, love making fun of typos because that stuff is funny. My favorite is when my roommate texted me “ETERBAL FAMIKY NOOOI” and I have never been the same.