How To Write Marketing Content Copy

The following is a mock-doc of the type of marketing writing that I write every day. It has been formatted to fit… my job’s format for these types of things. 

How to Write Marketing Content Copy

This is the format for our marketing content! We usually do just 4 paragraphs of about 70-100 words and this is the intro paragraph. We have basically nothing to go off because some clients believe that they don’t “have the time” to give us the information and expect whatever’s on their current site to be sufficient. Spoiler alert: their websites are trash! So we make some fluff sound pretty good and then stuff in a few keywords and some geo modifiers and the marketing content sounds a little weird but nobody cares because the keywords and geo modifiers are there!

This is an H2 and We Use 3 of Them

So this job is in Denver, Colorado and yes, we have to say the full Denver, Colorado when writing marketing content because the geotag is important. I know there must be other cities named Denver that aren’t in Colorado, but none of them are major cities, and therefore, I think including the state is silly. But nevertheless, if a city has a population of over 100,000 (which Denver, Colorado does), then we must mention it 12 times on each web page. And let me tell you, there aren’t a lot of creative ways to casually mention Denver, Colorado in marketing content!

These H2s Can’t Be Longer Than 60 Characters!!

Have fun counting that out when you want to put both a keyword AND a geo modifier (Denver, Colorado) in an H2. It’s not fun, but it is often the best way to knock out the necessary use of both modifiers. Sometimes if the client’s website is bad, you use another website to actually learn a little about the services you’re supposed to be offering. Don’t plagiarize, though. Not in this good-natured, Denver, Colorado-based company. Also, every page you write must be at least 50% different from any other page you write, so that’s, just, the best part.

There’s a Website to Help With Your Capitalization

If you paste a title into the bar on, it will count the characters and capitalize the words that need it! You will probably only need to use it with the first assignment because the rules of capitalization are pretty straightforward in Denver, Colorado. However, you are welcome to do your job in Denver, Colorado however you’d like to. Around this time, you realize you’re only at 60 characters and need at least 10 more, so you just say “our professionals are so rad you won’t be sad” or some garbage and woot, you made the word count.

What?! A Fourth H2?! Don’t Worry This Is Standard

I said we only write 4 paragraphs and 3 H2s but here’s a fifth paragraph?! This is called the CTA (call to action) and it’s literally the same on every page. So somebody is assigned to write it and then we copy it at the end of every page. Hopefully, it has a couple mentions of Denver, Colorado so we don’t have to stuff it too much into our other copy. If we do, though… rip. Such is the life of a marketing content writer in Denver, Colorado. Shoot, I need one more: Denver, Colorado.


aaaaand scene.

This format ^^ is what I write every single day. And in honor of working here two whole months now, I just wanted to share our secrets. Also, I kinda wanna make this standard training material because it’s more training than I was given and it’s entertaining, no?

There’s no place for my wit in this business and it’s very sad. So this is my outlet when we’re between projects and I don’t have anything to do. I could also watch the videos that my deskmate, Chris, sends me, but they’re really weird and probably best left unwatched.


The Ace of Straights

hello friends and welcome to my coming out party.

I’m an asexual.
And I’m sure you have some questions about what that means because I sure did for the several years before I researched it and the bells went off in my head saying, “wow tyf, this is you af.”
So I want to just get a few FAQs out of the way. Asexuality is so misunderstood that I feel like many aces don’t even really get it, so this is based on research and personal experience. And I’m 99% sure I’m right about everything (as with all else in my life, of course.)
1. What does it mean when I say I’m asexual?
It means I reproduce by dividing myself in two. Simple.
No, it just means that I don’t experience sexual attraction. Heterosexuals are sexually attracted to the opposite sex, bisexuals are attracted to two sexes, homosexuals are attracted to the same sex, you get it, right? Asexual means I am sexually attracted to no one. Ever. Out of here with that nonsense.
Think of it this way: have you ever had a physical response to the way someone looks? I have not. Not ever. I just don’t see people that way. Men, women, anybody.
Also, celebrity crushes? Not a thing. I don’t even know them, how can I possibly have a crush on them? I don’t understand.
2. So does that mean you never want to have sex?
3. Why are you just taking a word that already meant something and making it apply to your sexual orientation?
I don’t understand why this is a big deal to people. A word can mean more than one thing. Several words in the English language have several definitions. For example, the word contraction can mean both a) taking two words and making them one and b) what a woman has when she’s going into labor–and no one blinks an eye that those definitions are so different. But if I use a word related to reproduction and use it to describe sexual orientation? Suddenly it’s not ok with the conservatives. And I just… don’t understand where the problem is and why it even affects them at all.
*megaphone* other people’s sexual orientation doesn’t affect you! probably ever!
4. Why do you need a label?
Alright, I hear you, labels are dumb. I especially hate how pretentious I sound when I define myself as a “heteroromantic asexual.” Like, come on, who needs a label like that?
But, as I’m sure many of you understand, labels are very helpful in helping you understand yourself and find a community of people who experience life in some of the same ways. It can be incredibly validating to find that you’re not alone in going through what you’re going through.
It’s like a diagnosis–you have this pain coming from somewhere, and then someone (a doctor, in this metaphor) is able to tell you why. And then things make sense. “Oh, that’s why I behave this way. That’s why I hurt when I do that. Oh, that’s what I can do to make it better.” And there are support groups for stuff like that (cancer patients) and therapy (both for physical and mentally ill people). We can agree that finding community and assistance is helpful, yeah?
So, though nothing is wrong with people who aren’t cis-gender heterosexuals, it’s nice to have a community! It’s relieving to find out that you’re not a defect, you’re just different. ((And that’s why pride is such a big deal–it’s people finally being able to be proud of who they are despite living in a heteronormative world for so long believing that something is wrong with them.))
5. Do you really need to “come out” as ace?
Uh, no, not really, it’s just weird when people are talking about things that you can’t relate to. Also weird when people are objectifying other people based on bodies and I have nothing but horror to contribute to the conversation. I also really like to have deep conversations about anything, and when it comes to people’s favorite topic of ~love~ and ~who do you find attractive?~ it’s just easier to say “yeah, can’t relate because I’m ace.”
And then they don’t understand, but at least there’s a term for it. And then I also get to have really fun conversations where I answer deeply personal questions about my hypothetical future sex life. So you can imagine that it’s a wildly good time.
6. So are you a part of the LGBTQ+ community?
Technically, yes. LGBTQIA+ where the A is for Asexual. (And agender, which I am not.)
However, and I don’t speak for all aces because many have different feelings about it, but I don’t feel like I really fit into that community. Like, I’m an ally for sure, but I’m not going to be ostracized from society, or my religion, or my strict conservative friends/family members for being ace. It’s not something that someone is going to hate me for. Sure, they won’t understand, but there aren’t hate groups against us, yknow?
It also helps that I’m a heteroromantic ace. If I were homoromantic or aromantic, it would be different.
Also, in relationships, I could see how being with an asexual would be really hard for a partner. So really, the LGBTQ+ community is for all people who don’t really feel like they fit into a heteronormative world. And in that sense, yeah, I belong.
7. How is that experience of being ace for you?
Some aces feel a little sad and left out because having sexual attraction is so normalized in society.
But me? I freaking love it. I honestly believe that so much of how I am as a person and how I see other people is never clouded or influenced by how attractive I find them. I can see people as people. And I really appreciate that ability in myself. It makes me value people so much more for all the other qualities they possess.
However–representation? It so matters. I get that the lesbians want Elsa to be one of them, but please let Elsa be my ace queen. There are hardly any well-known characters in anything, adult or children’s publications, who are asexual. And for years before I knew I was ace, I just kinda saw all these fabricated relationships in movies and shows and thought “it’s a bummer that a happy ending always equates to love/sex.” Why can’t a happy ending include an apartment and a kitten? A promotion at work? Finding the perfect therapist?
Not that any ace finding love invalidates their asexuality, but it’s nice to know that it’s not everything. And aces can definitely experience other types of attraction that make relationships desirable and fulfilling. Sexual attraction isn’t the ultimate form of attraction! And I’d further argue that it’s not even the best type of attraction. (I understand it’s probably essential for population growth, but otherwise, trash.)
8. There are other types of attraction? How do they differ from sexual attraction?
Remember earlier when I identified as a heteroromantic asexual? That means I experience romantic attraction but not sexual attraction. Because of this, I think it’s been more difficult for me to have enough interest in men to get to know them well enough to the point that I become romantically attracted to them. But let’s go through the different types of attraction:
People will sometimes refer to a “physical” attraction. That doesn’t make a lot of sense because there are a few types of physical attraction–sexual, sensual, and aesthetic. (probably more, but I’m only going to cover these three).
Sexual: an attraction to someone based on how strong their sexual appeal is (according to you). Do they have particular features that are “hot”? A body that is “arousing” in some way? I don’t know, I don’t experience this, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Sensual: An attraction based on wanting to touch someone. I don’t know how to word that better, but yes. Many forms of touch are not sexual. Cuddling, kissing, hugging, etc. These are types of attractions that you can feel for someone that you don’t necessarily feel attracted to sexually. You know those people who give really good hugs? Or really good back rubs? Or their skin is always really soft? These aren’t sexual things, but they are sensual. It’s like a fuzzy blanket, y’know? Or bags of rice at the store? Ya just gotta touch em. Sometimes you feel that toward people. You’re not sexually attracted to the rice bags, you just gotta slap ’em.
Aesthetic: An attraction to someone based on how they look. You might be saying to yourself “but Tyffani, how is that different than sexual attraction? it’s physical!” Well, yes, but it’s like art. I look at some art and marvel at how beautiful it is. I look at other art and I think “wow how is that good enough to belong in a museum?” But regardless, I am not sexually attracted to art. The same goes for people. People are like art to me.
Then there are types of attraction that don’t have too much to do with anything physical, and those are:
Platonic: You ever like someone but you don’t have any “feelings” for them? Some people call this the “friend zone.” You can connect emotionally or intellectually with them, you enjoy being around them, you share common interests and opinions, but you just don’t have any romantic feeling toward them. Without platonic attraction, we wouldn’t have friends.
Romantic: Romantic attraction is where the “feelings” are. It’s “love.” It’s like platonic attraction but… with the feels. You feel?
It’s hard to articulate the difference between platonic and romantic attraction while also distinguishing the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, but there is a distinct difference between all three. Platonic and/or sexual attraction can definitely evolve into romantic (in certain circumstances), but they are three separate forms of attraction.
It’s funny because so many sources on the internet have them all kind of mingled together. If I search the difference between sexual and romantic attraction, it combines sexual attraction and sexual desire. If I search the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, it combines romantic and sexual attraction. It gets really messy, but my guidepost through it all was I followed them and their blog posts on twitter and they made it all really clear to me.
There are more types of attraction than what I listed, but I differentiate it like this: sexual attraction sees the body and romantic attraction sees the mind/heart/soul.
9. Ok but really about question #2.
Simply put, sexual attraction has nothing to do with sexual desire nor feelings about sex. But let’s speak generally about aces.
So attraction and desire are not the same. Therefore, just because you don’t have a physical response to the way someone looks doesn’t mean you don’t experience a sexual desire or drive in some way. Attraction is matched to a particular person–desire is not necessarily matched to a person (for example, someone who desires the sensation but not necessarily with any particular person). If you don’t experience desire/drive, that’s probably (according to my own understanding) more of a mental condition (depression, ptsd, etc.) that can be addressed. If you don’t experience attraction, that’s just… what it is.
So my answer is this: while attraction (sexual orientationcan’t be changed, attitudes and feelings toward sex can be.
So, in the ace community, there are sex-repulsed aces who are not interested in having sex ever, sex-positive aces who actually enjoy sex for various reasons, and plenty of aces in-between. Some reasons aces might consent to sex despite their own repulsion are: wanting to please their partner, wanting to have children, wanting to “see what all the hype is about,” etc.
Some aces might remain sex-repulsed forever. That’s their own preference/predisposition. If they don’t even want to be sex-positive, then they’re probably not going to be. As far as having successful relationships, I’d imagine that’d be hard. In this scenario, I’m sure it’s easier to stay single forever than finding a partner who’d be ok in a sexless relationship. That’s not to say that sex-repulsed aces still wouldn’t like to have a loving partner for non-sexual forms of intimacy, but the pain of having partners leave after they don’t change their attitude toward sex is probably taxing.
If a sex-repulsed ace, however, wants to become sex-positive, I’m sure there are ways of addressing that. I have no personal experience, but I imagine it would take a lot of work and a really supportive partner.
I think that I personally am capable of sex-positivity, but I recognize that not all aces are. And that shouldn’t be pushed on any of them. Some repulsion runs deeper than others for reasons that may or may not be any of your business. All aces deserve respect in their own personal boundaries. Please understand that though sex is “everything” in this world, it is not everything in the ace’s world. And we like it that way.
10. How did you discover you were ace? 
I mentioned how I didn’t really feel like I got it when other people were talking about crushes or “hot” guys, but yeah. I realized I was “different” when I was really young. And it was always weird because my friends were having crushes on different boys all the time and I was constantly either dwelling on the same one for years OR literally not caring at all about boys.
I first remember feeling weird about it when I was in second grade. And I’m not insinuating that eight-year-olds experience sexual attraction, but this just goes to show how engrained both heteronormativity and the idolization of relationships are in this world.
So my friend asked me who I had a crush on. I was eight. So I was like “uh… no one?” because, no, I wasn’t “shy,” I was genuinely of the opinion that boys exist and that’s all there is to them.
But she persisted. “You have to like someone.”
My child brain was stressed because if that was true, I was not measuring up. So in a desperate attempt to be normal, I just picked one of the only guys in the class who was both older and taller than me (because those were my only two requirements as an eight-year-old). Then I talked myself so far into that crush that I was mad in love with that boy for the next five years. (he was actually an excellent kid, 5 stars. I’ve always had high standards, even for spur-of-the-moment crushes.)
The next time I liked a boy, it was because my friends all said: “you would make such a cute couple.” I thought about it and gagged. Legitimately, I remember thinking about kissing him and I was disgusted. But then I talked myself so far into that one that I was in love with that one for years, too. So basically… I’m just now realizing that my friends are responsible for my broken hearts. Thanks, jerks.
I did end up actually liking some guys on my own after that. I mean, asexuality doesn’t mean you don’t experience those other forms of attraction (aesthetic, romantic, etc.), but I feel like sexual attraction is oftentimes the driving force that leads to the other types of attraction. And I just haven’t experienced that initial attraction enough to be interested in developing the other kinds.
There’s a saying in the ace community that “asexual culture is not knowing where your mental illness ends and where your asexuality begins.” My whole life, I thought I didn’t like guys because I didn’t feel worthy of them liking me back. I thought that my self-esteem was just really low and that’s why I didn’t like guys. But after almost four years of not being interested in anyone (but knowing that I was a super fly chick), I started to research asexuality a little bit more, and I realized that I just didn’t experience that attraction.
It took me a month or two to finally adopt that “label,” and now, I don’t care what anyone says, I understand me better. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about labels or me or why we use the term “asexual” to apply to people, I finally understand myself. And it’s liberating.
It took me so long because I kept going back and forth thinking “but I’ve felt ____, that means I can’t be ace, right?” But finally understanding the difference between attraction and desire was really instrumental in me finally “identifying.”
So, in all, I can count the number of guys that I’ve been romantically attracted to on two hands. And I have felt sexual attraction for none of them. And I don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with that.
So anyway, if you’ve read this post, I hope you understand asexuality better. And while it might not apply to you or have any relevance to you ever, I hope you really understand better how to differentiate between different types of attraction. Attraction of any kind has a lot of influence on your feelings, and feelings are confusing. As you understand the source of your feelings and which types of attractions you’re feeling toward different people in your life, it could really help you understand yourself and your relationships better.
peACE out.

I Wanna Get Better

How soon after a suicidal period are you allowed to talk about it without people getting weird and worried about you? Is five months long enough?

It’s World Mental Health Day, and heckfest is gonna talk about it.
cuz folx, living every day when you hate living is a heckfest.
I’m a real big advocate for mental health these days. I didn’t really get loud about it until I went public with my struggles back in March, but now that I’m open about it, I feel like I have a responsibility to both a.) be honest about my experience and b.) take the necessary steps to get better.
So I’m gonna do that. Starting with May.
I was at my temp job. Stuffin envelopes, as one does. And I was just thinking about my life.
I felt like I was stuck at a red light. It didn’t matter how many directions I could go or how far I could go because the light was red. And I was stopped. And my car was running, but I was kinda running out of gas because I had been stopped at this red light for SO long. And I was cramping up and getting restless because I was packed up and ready to go places, but I couldn’t go any of those places because, as I have said, the light was red.
Simply put, I felt stuck. And I was crying. While stuffing envelopes. Because I am an excellent multitasker. And I drifted into thinking that maybe I would just shut off my car for good. Because it’s not going anywhere anyway, yknow? And while I was stopped, it’s not like I could do much besides listen to music and whatever else one does in a stopped, yet still running car. So I thought, hmm, ok, if the light doesn’t turn green in x amount of time, the car is going off.  
If I lost you anywhere in this car metaphor, or if you think you might know what I’m talking about but you’re not sure, let me be blunt: I gave God a deadline. And I told him that if I was still jobless and hopeless by then, I was going to kill myself. And for the first time in my life, I actually made a plan.
This time was different than the previous times, though. Not only because I made a plan this time, but in years past, I felt like I maybe didn’t have anyone who cared/could help me. This time, I knew there were people who cared about me. I knew there were people who would listen and care. No amount of people reaching out and loving me was going to change my mind.
In my mind, I was useless. I was unproductive and my existence wasn’t beneficial to anyone, least of all myself. It didn’t matter to me how great of a friend I was or how intelligent I was if I didn’t feel like I had a purpose. It didn’t matter that I could contribute in meaningful ways to anyone else’s life; I couldn’t contribute meaning to my own life. So what was the point?
Now, I know this sounds dramatic when my biggest problem was that I couldn’t get a job, but it’s amazing how much that affects one’s life. Not only with providing the funds to have a life, but also giving you something to do, a way to find fulfillment, a path to success. I know that’s not all there is. But I didn’t have (or feel like I had) any of the other things, either.
By the way, this blog post isn’t for people who want to help their mentally ill friends. It’s for my mentally ill friends who want to help themselves. Because I am the only person that could have helped me back in May/June. And ultimately, I’m the only person who can truly save me from myself. And you are the only person who can do that for yourself, too.
So I realized pretty quickly after my suicide planning sesh that maybe, just maybe, my problem wasn’t the job thing.
And I made a very out of character decision. And it scares the heck outta me to share it publicly but it’s part of the authenticity and advocacy thing that I’m so passionate about. So here it goes.
-deep breaths-
My decision is this: I am going back to therapy. It’s going to be a real thing in my life from now on. It has to be. Because if I have to keep doing this alone, then I’m gonna need a better toolbox. Mine is filled with broken plastic forks that I tried to eat frozen ice cream with. And yeah, there are a lot of problems with that sentence. Which is why I need therapy.
Let me explain why this is out of character for me: I have been shoved in therapy since I was a child. I’m pretty sure I was six years old the first time I had to visit an old white woman who made me uncomfortable with board games and interrogations. I had regular visits to talk to the ladies who played speed with me and asked invasive questions that I don’t even remember answering. And honestly? It didn’t do anything for me. I started wanting to die before I was ten years old. That was after and during mandated therapy visits.
Then I got to college and was diagnosed as a psycho and I went back to therapy. I thought it might be more helpful or something now that I was older and trying? This time, I didn’t even wait for the invasive questions, I just divulged all the information one could possibly need or want to know. But no amount of talking made it better. I think my thoughts about it can be most accurately summed up in a song I wrote called “Therapy”:
I don’t know what I need, probably therapy
but why would I give money 
to tell somebody my grief
when I can do it for free on your answering machine?
You might feel inclined to laugh, but this is real feels, man. I have plenty of people who will listen to me. That’s not what I needed then and it’s not what I need now.
But I didn’t realize until recently that I had a fundamental misunderstanding about what therapy is and what I’m supposed to be getting from it. And I think that’s way too common with people who don’t really understand what’s wrong with them and just expect therapy to “fix them.” So I’ve resolved to try again and establish expectations this time.
I’ve been feeling for a while that I’m just at the mercy of my life circumstances. I can’t control when I cycle up or down, and after six or seven medications, I can’t just make them fix me. But since making this decision, I feel a lot more confident that I can take control of my life again. But I also know that I’m currently in a manic phase where I’m on top of the world and this roller coaster is going to drop at any moment. And when it does, hoo boy. Yikes amiright? The goal is to still feel as hopeful then as I do now. And the goal is for therapy to help me with that.
Therapy won’t make the light turn green, but it can prepare you for when it does turn green. Sometimes we whine about being stuck at a red light, but do we ask ourselves if we’re truly ready for a green light anyway? If I was being honest with myself back in May, I wasn’t ready for a green light. I thought I was, but what good is a green light if you’re not in any state to be driving?
Besides my experience with making plans, there are two huge factors that pushed me toward this resolution.
One was a certain therapist I follow on Instagram who’s handle is @heytiffanyroe. If you follow her–she’s amazing, right?! If not, you should start. This woman has changed my life. She also has a podcast called Therapy Thoughts that rocks my world.
She is how I learned that not all therapists are created equal. She has taught me what I need to look for as I begin my journey back into therapy. I have learned more about how to take care of myself mentally and emotionally from following her than I ever did in all my previous years of therapy. The tools and validation I feel just from seeing her posts every day have been instrumental in my development this year. It started before May, but she’s the reason I warmed up to therapy enough to consider it at all when worse came to worst.
The second reason is another person–one of my super close friends who has no idea that I’m even thinking of therapy. Maybe I’ll tell that story another time.
But I love that just because these two people were good humans who didn’t know me/know me that well and they inspired me so much just by virtue of who they are and how much better they make me want to be.
I can testify to the power of being a stellar human being and how that affects us other human beings. But I can also testify of the power of being your own stellar human being and using the motivation from those around you to take back control of your own life.
I’m trying to gear this toward my past self and people like my past self, because if I had read this in 2016 and heard myself say “take control of your illness,” I would have thought “there is literally nothing I can do to fix myself.” If you’re the 2016 me, please believe that you are capable. Right now, you’re falling with the avalanche down the mountain, nothing to hold on to and nobody to reach out to. But it will settle. And you’ll find a toolbox. And you’ll dig yourself out. You have to.
Happy Mental Health Day. Do something to take care of your mental health today. Read a book. Do some yoga. Take a bubble bath.
Sidenote: I actually bit into a bath bomb the other day because it looked AND smelled like a cupcake. Yeah, it was hard, but I thought it was just a little crusty on the outside and would get softer when I bit into it. In my defense, I was right. 0/10 did not taste like a cupcake. Pretty excited to use it for its original purpose, though…

all dayers are rough

I’ve been at my new job as a content marketing writer for a full month now and I’ve already written about some wack stuff. The weirdest thing I’ve had to advertise? Death and trauma scene cleanup, probably. Didn’t ever think about that being a market but I guess it makes sense…


Something that unemployed life doesn’t prepare you for is all dayers. And if you’re reading this like “when I was unemployed I was still productive and sleeping at normal hours” then congratz, leave me alone to nap in the breakroom during lunchtime.

And yes, I was temping for a good while before, and it was basically full-time, but I had options there. I could call out for any reason whenever I wanted and not be penalized because I was only a temp anyway.

Did I? No. But could I have? Probably. I didn’t realize the appeal of friends with benefits relationships until I worked with a temp agency. They got work, I got money, but neither of us had to commit to each other at all and it was beautiful. Except… the benefit of commitment is health care, so… it was probably for the best that I moved on.

So I work in DOWNTOWN Denver and I live 30 minutes away from that on a day with no traffic (so like, Sunday mornings and Sunday mornings only). That means that on normal mornings, it takes about 50 minutes.. if I leave by 6:50. But if I leave at 7? big mistake. complete buffoonery. I made that mistake on my second day and was 5 minutes late to work.

Isn’t that ridiculous?! Leave ten minutes later and arrive twenty-five minutes later? Yeah, but that’s showbiz*, baby.


Anyway, I’ve really had to get my life together these past several weeks and I’m wondering how long it’ll last. But lucky for you, I got myself a planner so I can chronicle it going downhill in the inevitability that that happens. Stay tuned for that.

The way the planner works is like this: I plan literally everything that I’m going to do (time I wake up, what I’m going to study, what I’m going to eat, what I’m going to do after work, what I’m going to wear, etc.) and then– I actually do it. And the results speak for themselves–I have literally never been more exhausted.

That’s probably a lie, but wow. All dayers are rough.

Seriously. I woke up at 5 am on Monday and then didn’t go to bed until a little after 10 and that’s a whole 17 hours??? That I was awake?? During mostly daylight hours?? being productive?? ME???

It’s more likely than you’d think.

I’d also like to note that Netflix wasn’t involved at ALL.

So yeah, I’m trying to balance a full-time work schedule with a two-hour commute and a social life and I know people do this all the time and I am not special, but let me finish– I’m also trying to train for a marathon. And I wasn’t going to admit that to the blogosphere because I don’t want anyone to hold me to actually doing the marathon, but I wanted you all to know that I’m really trying just so hard to be a productive, healthy human. Also, I’m in the early weeks of training and I don’t know how I’m going to keep it up as the runs get longer because ya gurl is slow.

By the way, I reserve the right to quit my training at any time for any reason including, but not limited to: snow, wanting to sleep, finding a good show to binge on Netflix, and spending quality time with kittens.

Anyway, being a semi-successful adult is pretty cool. And I dig it. But anyone got any secrets of how to make it through the day without caffeine and without having to take a nap on my lunch break? HMU with ideas. I’d like to also note that I am getting in a good 5 REM cycles a night, so I’m Doing My Best.

Werkin it Dowtown

whats up NERDS heckfest is bacK

and this time, she’s ~~employed~~

It’s really good, too, because I thought I was doomed to a life of envelope stuffing and paper cuts.

And cardboard cuts.

And badly damaged cuticles.

The future was bleak.

So… it’s been approximately four months, three weeks and 1 day since my last post. and I will say, I did have some friends contacting me in the in-between months to ask about my vital status. Well pals, I’m alive. And it’s been a ride this 2019. And things are good now. and YES, I still keep doing something new every week. Update on that soon.

So what have I been up to?

I was with a temp agency for a few months, but they only ever sent me to one place: a medical supply shipping place. That’s where I stuffed envelopes and sustained a lot of cuticle injuries. I got paper cuts IN my cuticles. I would actually frequently tape my cuticles so that the cardboard and/or envelopes didn’t leave my fingers bloody. I also have never in my life referred to my cuticles this often, in speaking or in writing. We need to stop making fun of hair/nail girls, cuticle care is important.

Anyway, I kept getting called in for interviews at a bunch of random places and there were two places where I did three or four rounds of interviews. They made me feel like they wanted me and they had me do writing tests and meet with every single person in a leadership position and as soon as I was SURE that I was gonna get the job, they sent me a rejection letter. The classic “lead ’em on and let ’em go” maneuver. They didn’t even dump me like a man and lie to me by telling me we could still be friends. Shameful.

But you know what they say, if something doesn’t work out, something better is coming. So I’m happy to report that I now have a job that—

-pays much less

-is a worse commute

-has worse benefits + waiting period to get those benefits

-provides much less training

-has less opportunity for growth and expanded skillset

-is less geared toward exactly what I want to do

I know, I know– it’s not super cool to brag about how much one makes, or how great one’s job is, but this is my blog and I thought I’d just take a moment to flex on you all.

And all of those things are true, but this isn’t me “being negative” about it! I just want to acknowledge that sticking it out in the job hunt doesn’t always mean that you get something great. But it’s honestly a blessing to have any writing job at all right now. And I firmly believe I’m on the right track, this is just a stepping stone, and things are just going to get better from here. So I’m happy. Also,,,, you know how good it feels to tell people I’m a writer again?

Sidenote: there’s this guy who sits near me at work and he has his masters in creative writing and I was talking to him and I said I had a journalism background and not a full minute later he told me that “journalists and writers are different” and “journalists can’t write for —-.” And to be fair, I do agree that journalists are different than writers because, well… journalists aren’t nearly as pretentious.

Anyway, I still remember exactly where I was when I applied for this job. I saw what it paid and I whined as I submitted my resume because I didn’t actually want it but I was way too desperate to do anything about it. Then I got an email about an interview, so I went thinking it was just another rejection in the process.

At this point, I was used to rejection, but you know in Gilmore Girls when their house has termites and Rory asks how many banks have rejected them for a loan and Lorelai says it’s not the amount of places it’s the quality of the places?

Yeah. I’ll let you make that connection to job hunting.

So I was feelin real hopeless, but I got to the interview like 20 minutes early and sat in my car to soak in the suck for a little bit. And then I interviewed. And to say my interview was interesting would be an understatement.

I met with this guy who took me to the interview room and he was kinda slumped over with his head in his hand looking at my resume and kinda slurring his questions a little bit. So naturally, I’m thinking that this guy is either hungover or just really hates his job. Both of which really make me so eager to work here, you know? As it should.

And after he asks, I kid you not, three questions (and I give my super refined answers, because,,, lol,,, I have a lot of practice at this point), he just asks me if I have any questions. I admit, I was a little stunned because I wasn’t prepared to take over the interview this soon into it, but I rolled with it.

When I was temping at the shipping place, I realized I really liked their workplace culture. They had team lunches once a month, they actually talked to each other instead of just working silently, idk, I just realized that having a chill environment for work is something that’s important to me. Especially because it’s so dang hard for me to make friends at work.

So I asked “how would you describe the workplace culture?” (which, I just wanna say, is a perfectly normal interview question to ask) And you know what this man said to me? He looked at me and confidently said “i’d say it’s like a locker room” and he didn’t even understand what was wrong with that answer? My first thought was just “uh… like Donald Trump’s locker room?”

I’ve been here a week and I still have no idea what he meant by that. I mean, I don’t know what goes on in the men’s locker room, but everyone here (thankfully) keeps their clothes on and refrains from being super sexist.

So anyway, I ask another couple questions and decide that I don’t really know what else to ask because I don’t know what I don’t know and then he tells me “well I think you’d be a good fit, I’ll have our CFO email you over an offer letter and you can let us know what you decide.”

Which… was super sketchy considering a first interview job offer is not something I’ve experienced since… 2012? And also, it hadn’t even lasted 20 minutes? And I appreciate the job, but also… you could have made it seem like it was hard to get? Maybe I’d feel successful? So I left thinking “wow I think they need to have someone else do the interviews or step up their HR department because if I wasn’t as desperate as I am, there’s no way I’d take this job.”

And then I learned on my first day that that guy who did my interview is the VP of the company. So. Yeah I guess he does what he wants.

I was terrified to take this job because I looked up employee reviews on glassdoor and they were some of the worst reviews I’d ever read, but I decided that if I mysteriously get fired after nine days like some of these other jabronis who left reviews, I’d be no worse off than I was before I took the job. So #yolo

Anyway, I now work in downtown Denver right across the street from the MSU campus and a 7-minute brisk-paced walk away from the 16th Street Mall. I am a marketing content writer for the web, which just means that I write stuff that companies put on their websites. It’s not very thrilling, but the time flies by and I get my own giant desk to decorate with a bunch of random junk that would otherwise adorn my home bookshelf. Oh and I also bought a succulent and it’s adorable.

I also write for SEO, which means that in a 500-word chunk of text, I have to use the same keywords at least three times each and the name of the city like 12 times (you know, in case you… forget where you live in the middle of reading a business’s webpage). So maybe I’m becoming a worse writer, maybe I was never really all that good anyway, and maybe nothing matters except Google’s algorithm. I guess there’s more mystery to life than I previously thought.


Week 16 SNEW Update

Since I made the goal at the beginning of the year to do something I’ve never done/go somewhere I’ve never been every week, I have done some really incredible things. This is probably definitely the most exciting “resolution” I’ve ever made, and… I think I want to implement it in my whole life, not just 2019.

Something I’ve noticed is that often, I’ll just do something new without actually trying to. However, when I seek out new things and places, I end up doing way cooler things. Also, this arrangement often encourages me to do the thing I want to do instead of just thinking about it. And I have thought about doing a lot of cool things, so we are moving in a positive direction.

So because I have not been documenting every single week, here is a recap:

Week “one”: Technically I decided not to count this one because it wasn’t a full week and it’s my challenge so I make the rules (:

Week 2: Gamble!

Week 3: Go to my local library

Week 4: Met up with someone I met on the internet.

Week 5: Change my own headlight (or at least learn how, because technically, my dad did most of the work)

Week 6: Audition for America’s Got Talent!

Week 7: My first highbrow film! It was an Indie film and it was in Polish and French, so I enjoyed the subtitles. I felt a little more like An Intellectual afterward. I genuinely wish my interests were that sophisticated, but alas, I am a twit who spends too much time twittering.

Week 8: Voodoo doughnuts! My mom went and got a dozen on $1 per doughnut day and then ate half of each one and saved the other half of each one for me. Luv her. Also, I finally watched Jumanji for the first time, so I’m glad I did that.

Week 9: Publish all my mental issues on the internet where everybody can see them. Yay for oversharing!

Week 10: I thought that going to see Captain Marvel at the Alamo would be a big deal, but it’s just another movie theater and it wasn’t that exciting. The movie definitely was, but I am not as in love with that theater as everyone else seems to be. I mean… yeah, you can order food, but it’s expensive food, and my ticket was $5 more than a normal theater and the seats DON’T EVEN recline. Would not recommend.

Week 11: Go To Nashville!

Week 12: Songwriting Retreat in Nashville (what a dream)

Week 13: Can you believe that I had never been to Steak ‘n’ Shake before this year? Absolutely reprehensible. The only reason we went was because of the coupons that come in the mail… turns out it was only really $.50 off, but I still think that’s a deal. Then I thought it would be nice to call the number on the receipt to give a good review of the service (because nobody calls and gives good reviews anymore), and it was the most awkward phone conversation I think I’ve ever had.

Also, I got a hydromassage at planet fitness thanks to my mother’s black card privileges. It was fantastic. Big fan

Week 14: Ok this week I had to reach because I didn’t really have anything exciting that I did. I read a new book (the Thunderhead, ugh huge fan of that series), played a new card game I had never played (exploding kittens, anyone?) and I joined someone’s livestream on Instragram which was… odd.

Week 15: I THREW AN AXE. I didn’t do it very well, and I honestly only did it for the bragging rights. Which aren’t even that impressive. Ah, well.

Week 16: I went to the River Delta North Art District in Denver and took pictures with all the murals and street art. And then I tried Ethiopian food. And it was incredible. 10/10, would recommend.

And that is the update so far! I have compiled a spreadsheet of all the places I need to go and things I need to do and I hate doing things alone so come join me (: It’s been pretty cool so far but I am just getting started.

Songwriting Retreat: Finding My Harmonies

So I’ve written songs for a while now (like 15 years?) and last year, after I graduated college (you know, the “responsible” big-kid thing), I thought I’d explore more of the songwriting world. I don’t know how I found Judy Stakee, but she’s a sort of songwriting mentor and I started following her on Facebook. She does about 6 songwriting retreats a year where she takes some songwriters and teaches them her methodology and about the business and has them co-write and offers song critiques and the whole she-bang.

So before I left for China last year, I was a Broke Kid and couldn’t afford it. But then, in February, while I was an even more Broke Kid who couldn’t afford it, I saw the ads again and thought it would be cool. However, there was an application process, and I didn’t think I had much of a chance. But does that mean I don’t try at all? No! It just means I don’t try very hard. So I’m in bed at like 11pm watching something on Netflix and filling out this application, attaching poorly recorded SoundCloud songs, only half believing in myself.

But guess who got accepted (!!!) and then opened a credit card to help cover the cost? This Broke Kid! (so yeah, I’m still trying to pay that off, if anyone wants to find me job… that would be real helpful.)

The decision to attend wasn’t an easy one, as I didn’t have the funds or the slightest idea of what to expect. I also had a massive episode of self doubt when I found that my resume and accomplishments as a songwriter were, like, zero compared to many of the other people going. But my commitment to doing something new every week this year (and making at least some of those things cool) was strong. And it pushed me to do this.

And I thought that going to a songwriting retreat would be my new thing, but I actually did so many new things because of it.

New Thing Number One: Be in NASHVILLE

I flew in on Saturday night, so that counts as my new thing for week 11. But I’d never been there! And i was immediately smitten.

New Thing Number Two: Spend Sunday Morning in a Bar

Yep, that was new. At least the band sang Maren Morris’s “My Church”?

One of the girls also attending the retreat (Molly Adele Brown, look her up on the streaming sites and/or instagram) was SO kind and offered to let me stay the night at her apartment (because it was cheaper to fly in the night before than morning of) and she plays with a band every Sunday morning at this bar on Broadway, so I got to check that out. It was St. Patrick’s Day and so… yeah, you guessed it, random dudes in leprechaun geddup all up on the dance floor.

New Thing Number Three: Do a Handstand 

[This is just a photo of the beautiful property because I was a little too preoccupied to selfie while upside down.]

So Judy has this three-part methodology and the first is that you take care of your body to take care of your voice. Sounds reasonable, right? So we did yoga first thing every morning. And I know you’ll hear from every single person that no matter what business you’re in, to be healthy and successful, you gotta wake up early and get stuff done. But just once I would like to be told that the secret to a successful life is having a really wack sleep schedule that doesn’t involve waking up early, because that would really offer me some hope.

Anyway, Judy invited everyone to do a handstand because apparently it helps with confidence or somethin wild. So I, having this philosophy of trying new things, decided to jump on that (don’t worry, there were two spotters). At first, I was feeling a little like I would pass on the invite because I do not have the “I do yoga and handstands” body type ifyouknowwhatimsayin, but like… you miss out on so much of life if you limit yourself because of your body insecurities. So I went to the front of the room and, of course, it’s always comforting to hear your second spotter ask for a third spotter… but then I went up into a handstand and it was actually really cool. And everyone was really shocked for some reason, probably because they didn’t expect a fat girl to be able to hold herself upside-down. And don’t get me wrong… it definitely hurt my wrists, but… I’m kinda strong and stuff.

So moral of the story: Accept the third spotter. Defy expectations. Shake out your wrists.

New Thing Number Four: Co-Write Songs

[almost everyone I wrote with it pictured here but one isn’t 😦 also one who didn’t write with is but 🤷‍♀️]

I have written nearly 100 songs and none of them were ever written with another person. And then bam, three days in a row, three different co-writes. And it was a completely new experience, especially considering that my process and most other people’s processes are not the same at all.

The first day, everybody had to write down a sentence that could be the opening line of a song (so basically, any sentence). Then, we put them all in a hat, each person chose a line, and in groups of three, we determined which one we wanted to use to make our song. I could not come up with anything, and everybody had put their lines in, and my phone vibrated, so I wrote down “my phone just buzzed again, but it was probably just an email.” And the group that pulled my line chose it! And they did a great job, A+. Also, I was right, when I checked my phone again it was an email.

The line we chose was “I heard the rumble of the car come around the corner,” and we literally used half of our three hours to write discussing all of the possible songs we could write based on that line. We ended up writing about meeting a love interest from the internet in person for the first time. So that was actually my first time not writing according to my own experience. It was a hoot, though, I’d never come up with that kind of melody, but I like the way it turned out.

The second day, we had to write about what we liked most about ourselves, and then we got into groups and wrote a song about that. Our group’s song actually ended up turning into a song about vision boards, but honestly… it was beautiful. One of the girls in the group played the piano so well and the other girl just came up with this incredible melody on the spot, and within the first 5 minutes, we had this insanely gorgeous lyric-less song. Then we wrote the lyrics, and I have never written to melody before (I always do lyrics first OR them both at the same time), so that was hard. And I, again, wasn’t writing according to my own experience, so that was hard. So really, all I had to offer was a harmony. And the song was probably just as good without my harmony. But I’m still proud.

The third day, we had to write for film. And we had a ukulele player, a guitarist, an amazing vocalist, and me. So they, again, figured out the music and melody, while I worked out a harmony as my only offering. I mean, both of these times, I contributed to lyrics, but writing to melody and not according to my experience is very challenging for me, and I didn’t do much. But the song we wrote turned out so beautifully that I’ve been working on doing my own GarageBand arrangement of it for the past few days. It’s been great but it’s like staring at art until you hate it.

And I think that’s about it for my big time first times. I also had Nashville hot chicken for the first (and second) time. I did writer’s rounds for the first time. And I met Judy Stakee! Wonderful woman, wonderful retreat, all around a good time. Big success, worth the hundreds of dollars of debt, and now I’m confident to be a lot more obnoxious about the fact that I write songs.


Job Hunting in the Modern Day

About a year ago, I claimed to have made job hunting my best friend. But we’ve been hanging out way too much lately and I’m straight up not having a good time.

I’ve been looking for a job for the past two months without success. And it’s exhausting. And I do cry several times a week while driving for DoorDash because I hate it so much and I just want a normal, dependable job that treats its employees well.

So in case you don’t know what the modern day job hunt is like, here’s a sneak peek.

In the age of social media, you’d think that LinkedIn could be a one-stop shop, right? Direct communication between employer/recruiter and candidate. No third party job sites that require your email and an account that you’ll never use again. No ridiculous link-clicking, taking you from site to site to site, only to submit a perfectly crafted resume and cover letter that someone would look at for six seconds before writing you off forever.

But no! Even businesses that use LinkedIn will sometimes have the Apply button link you to an outside job site that you have to sign up for. And you know what these websites do? Email you approximately 16 times a day with jobs that you are either a) unqualified for, b) overqualified for, c) completely uninterested in, or my personal favorite, d) super interested in but when you go to apply for it, it is conveniently unavailable. Three seconds after sending the email job alert out and the position is already taken — that’s good advertising.

I was used to getting the occasional email from Indeed, but as the job hunt intensified, I started getting emails from job sites I’ve never heard of. In fact, just as I typed that, my phone lit up with an email from Job-Tree. I don’t even remember signing up for Job-Tree. But now I have at least one email every hour from: Lensa, EveryJobForMe, Jobcase, ZipRecruiter, Monster, CareerBuilder, iHirePublishing, MarketingJobForce, Neuvoo, Apply-4-Jobs, Colorado Job Department, Localwise, erecruit, Glassdoor, Kalo, StartWire, Nexxt, GetHired, Workable, and, of course, ya boi Job-Tree. And mind you, I have not purposely visited any job finding website except for Indeed and Glassdoor in my entire life.

And these emails will try to be personable, like some guy named Phil will be saying: “Tyffani! I have a job that lines up well with your resume. Check it out!” and the position will be some astrophysics position requiring a BS in engineering. Really, Phil? That lines up with my resume?

And sometimes it’s not that always that you have to apply through one of these random websites, but what I almost find more ridiculous is the companies that make you apply on their site. And not only do I have to apply on their site, but I have to make an account in order to apply on their site, even though I will likely never EVER have to use that account again.

But wait it gets worse. These companies not only ask for your resume, they then ask you to fill out all these forms about your job history. Like, brother–what do you think my resume is?! I will tolerate a lot in job hunting, but that? I am “thank u, next” to those jobs because if I have to jump through that many hoops just to apply for a job, I already know they’re not a company I want to work for.

On the flip side of those companies that want everything, though, a lot of sites feature the “One-Click Apply.” I really enjoy the one-click apply because it’s easy, but sometimes… it’s too easy. For example, one site asked if I wanted to “One-Click Apply” for 28 jobs simultaneously. I thought that sounded pretty good, so I clicked the button before I skimmed through the job options. Now I am getting rejection emails left and right from jobs I didn’t even want. Benihana doesn’t want me as a line cook? Can’t imagine why they weren’t impressed with my writing resume. Can’t imagine a more qualified candidate.

The best part, however, is when you submit 10 applications a day for two months and then a recruiter contacts you out of the blue on LinkedIn for a job you didn’t apply for while the hundreds that you did apply for don’t give you any attention. And then you get really interested in this job, despite the awful pay and terrible commute, and get rejected and spend the whole day crying because you’re just really desperate and hopeless at this point.

So what is it, guys? Should I be lying on my resume? Should I be playing hard to get? Should I be using my social media stalking skills to show up at the hiring manager’s house with food? Those with jobs, please weigh in.

Three Years of Bipolar

The headline isn’t snappy and the body isn’t the usual heckfest humor, but it’s real. And that’s all I can give you today.

February marked three years since I accepted the diagnosis of having bipolar II disorder — since I drove away from the doctor’s office with a prescription for anti-psychotics, crying because my condition wasn’t a sadness that would go away with time.

It’s been three years of being ashamed of who I am when the illness takes over. Three years of being terrified of myself and my future. Three years of trying not to get close to anyone because I never want them to see the ugly side of me. Three years of going as long as possible without telling people what’s wrong with me because I know it would mean they see me different. Three years of pretending there’s nothing wrong with me. Three years of going to social gatherings as a ticking time bomb, begging not to explode in the presence of my friends and acquaintances so that I don’t sabotage every relationship I have.

But the truth is, I have sabotaged too many relationships to count because I can’t always control myself and they can’t always forgive my outbursts. And I did, on occasion, find that ridiculous. But it’s the pattern I’ve seen my life follow these past few years.

And I am sorry to myself for living in fear of who I am. But I can’t say that I’m sorry for not telling people. Because as common as mental illness is in this world, it’s disturbing to see how many people don’t even try or want to understand it.

My first issue is with reactions. I’ve realized I put too much weight on what people think of me and what they would think of me if they knew I had bipolar disorder. Would they treat me differently out of pity? Out of fear? Would they believe me? Would they say they could tell? The answer is yes. All of these things have happened.

Reactions range from “oh yeah, I have friends who have mental illness” to “what, really? I didn’t expect that” to “oh, I could tell there was something, just little things like you being in a good mood one day and not the next.”

And first of all, I’m going to address the last one first because it’s that big of an issue, and holy cow there are so many problems with that statement. One: I’m a human being? It might shock you to hear this, but even you will experience positive and negative emotions at times. Two: that’s not even what bipolar is. You use the word to describe the weather so often that you never take the time to understand what it actually means. And three: what the heck kind of response is that anyway?

Second of all: just because you have other friends with mental illness does not mean you understand me. You are taking the conversation away from a focus on me being vulnerable with you to a focus on how understanding and empathetic you are. You are trying to brush it off, make me feel like “it’s not a big deal” that I have this, because look, so do so many other people. But to me, it is a big deal. And me sharing it is absolutely a huge deal. Even if you have other friends with the same illness, I can guarantee we experience it differently. So please, if someone says something about what they’re going through, it’s not just another statistic. It’s another person’s life that is greatly affected, and they are confiding that struggle in you.

Third of all: No matter how many science and psychiatric classes you have taken, unless you are my therapist or doctor or other mental health professional, please refrain on questioning their diagnosis of me. You don’t see me in their office. I don’t tell you the things I tell them. You don’t deal with me the way that I deal with me. You know a very limited scope of what I am like when you’re not around.

My next problem is when people use it against me. That cuts deepest. When I tell someone I have bipolar II disorder, I am not just informing them of my condition; I am confiding in them my deepest insecurity. Why is it my deepest insecurity? Because it has the potential to make me a toxic person. And I have been a toxic person. And I am still, sometimes, a toxic person. People always talk about eliminating the toxic people from their lives — what happens when you are the toxic person in your life? In your friends’ lives? In your family’s life?

I told a trusted roommate once about my issues. We had a spat one night where yelling was involved on both ends. Mean things were said by each person. Yet she blocked me out completely after that, would not talk to me, and when asked why by a different roommate, she said it was because I used my mental illness as an “excuse.”

~whoa~whoa~whoa~whOA~ can we just talk about THAT. First of all, in that situation, I only ever mentioned my disorder once and it was while we were still getting along. ALSO, regardless, you don’t look at someone in a wheelchair and say “you’re using your broken legs as an excuse not to walk.” Well… yeah? I guess you can phrase it that way if you want, but the truth is, it’s going to affect your life. There’s no getting around it.

My fear of myself and my future and what other people think of me has influenced how I’ve spent my last three years. I went to cool places and did cool things so that people would think of me as the girl who’s living her dream, not the girl trying to escape her nightmare. Yeah, I swam in and watched the sun set over the Black Sea, but it was while sitting behind everyone else in the group, wishing it would swallow me whole. Yeah, I bungee jumped off of (what was then) the world’s longest suspension sky bridge, but it was to finally feel something after months of numbness. Yeah, I star gazed, camped, and watched the sun rise over the Great Wall of China, but not without feeling like my disconnect from the world would never be helped.

I thought these experiences would make me excited about life again, but it was really just me wanting to die in all the coolest places. And nothing broke my heart more than when people would comment on my photos saying how happy I looked. Because behind the smile was someone who was, for the first time in her life, considering suicide as an actual option.

I always thought that I couldn’t go public with my mental illness until I was a success story. You know, those people who talk about how it seemed hopeless until they got the help they needed. But frankly, pills and therapy haven’t been the success for me that they have been for others, and I, unlike Taylor Swift, am NOT doing better than I ever was.

This isn’t a cry for help. This is just an admission of weakness. I’m tired of holding it all in and having dishonest conversations about how I’m doing great in life. And I’m tired of people not understanding. So please, if there’s anyone in your life whom you love, please do what you can to learn how to love them in their illness. It is infinitely difficult, but it’s nowhere near as difficult for you as it is for them to love themselves through their episodes of losing who they are. I don’t know if it’s possible to love the toxicity out of someone, and I’m not encouraging you to try. But I am encouraging you to get educated.

To be continued…

The Lazy Girl Curl

The perfect curl (if it exists) requires effort, time and patience (which frankly, I’m not willing to give). I don’t enjoy sweating under the heat of a curling iron that I’m holding at an uncomfortable angle much too close to my face/head, and I’ve never tried the curler things but even just watching a video of the process is too much work.

What I do enjoy is doing absolutely nothing and still looking decent. That’s not a very successful strategy, so I spend a lot of time looking a little homeless in the hair department, but I did recently experience a successful incident of minimal work having decent payoff.

I call it: the lazy girl curl. I guess it could also work if you’re a dude with long hair, nothin wrong with that.

Here are the steps:

  1. Take a shower. it just resets your hair to a natural setting. So actually, I guess you don’t need the whole shower, just wash your hair. (Side story: one time I was at my dad’s house and I asked why he had shampoo and conditioner by his kitchen sink and he said it was to wash his hair. I, of course, thought he was being sarcastic, so I challenged him. And then, I don’t know if it was to flex on me or prove to me that it’s a regular occurrence, but he put his head in the sink and rinsed, lathered, and repeated. So if you prefer that method, go for it.)
  2. Let your hair dry. You could also use the hair dryer if you enjoy burning your ears and neck with hot gusts of air.
  3. Put your hair in a bun. Like, collect your hair as if you’re going to put it in a ponytail, and then just twist it around like a cinnamon roll at the top/back of your head. (Some people have an easier time if they twist their hair and then twist it around like a cinnamon roll. I used to do it that way and then I stopped, couldn’t tell you why.)
  4. Secure it with a hair tie or two.
  5. Live your life.
  6. Sleep on it.
  7. Take it out with the intention to style it.  
  8. Realize it doesn’t look half bad. Naw, you can definitely work with this.
  9. Take a couple selfies. Or a lot, nobody is judging you (except the FBI agent that may or may not be watching you through the camera on your phone. Maybe they’ve had enough).  Unless you have that ridiculous habit of posting too many selfies for no reason on social media so you can “bless” someone’s timeline. Yikes. Stop doing that.
  10. Blog about it. wait no that’s my job.

The sides of the hair might not look as good as the front.

Results may vary. Keep a straightener on hand just in case (or I suppose you could shower again to reset the hair). And I guess I just revealed that I don’t always shower every day and maybe I should be ashamed but I’m just not, ok? xoxo stay beautiful.