When I was a child, my siblings and I would watch American Idol auditions with Simon Cowell and we thought it was the funniest thing in the world when Simon gave his opinion. My brother said he really wanted to go audition and do a really bad job just so that he could get roasted by Simon.
Well, Grandma died, which is something unfortunate that happens with terminal cancer and old age, but can we just talk about her timing for a sec? Impeccable timing, that woman. The funeral was held in Southern California on Feb. 8, and you know what was happening in Los Angeles on the 9th?
America’s Got Talent auditions.
You know who judges AGT auditions?
Simon Cowell.
So I convinced my mom to extend our California stay for a few extra days and drive up there so I could have 90 seconds of (non) fame. And folks, I kid you not, we got to the venue around 3:45 and did not leave that convention center until well after dark.
So FAQs:
Q: How long did it take?
A: Literally 6 hours from parking the car to getting back in the car and leaving.
Q: Why did it take so long?
A: Well, you see, we got to the venue and there were security guards outside and a line. I had to use the bathroom extremely bad, and I saw the bathrooms from the windows, but they wouldn’t let me in because I didn’t have a wristband. So I was like “bruh, America’s gotta pee, where can that happen?” and I had to run all the way across the street to the mall before getting in line. Then, my mother decided she was hungry, so she crossed the street to a burger joint while I held our place in line and that was the time the line started moving.
So I’m texting and calling and texting and calling (later was told that my mom just sat and watched her phone ring and get messages without replying or picking up? what the heck, mom?) So the guy at the front of the line let me stick around at the front to wait for my mom. So many people passed us. The girl dressed like a devil accompanied by a bassist, the two little girls super decked out in glitter, the girl dressed like Elsa practicing “Let It Go.”
Finally my mother comes back and we go inside, go through security, and then wait in a line. This line loops around like six times and through two different rooms. Then we register, sign some papers, get a number, and go in the waiting room where the cameras are, take some pictures, wait for them to call my number. They also gave us these papers to fill out about our talent and what inspires us and what our dreams are and all that.
When they finally do call my number, it’s in group, and we all go into the next waiting room (considerably less cool than the first one). Then we wait, again, for them to call my number. When they do, it is again in a group, and we go to a different building where we sit outside an audition room and wait for our time to shine. This lady gave us this whole spiel about how we need to clear it with her before we leave after we audition so she can make sure all our paperwork is A-OK. (spoiler: I forgot to check in after my audition so hopefully all my paperwork was there. whoops. It was ten o’clock at night, I was starving and tired.)
While we were waiting, some jabroni with a guitar wearing a vest, snakeskin pants, and cheetah print shoes, came over and started hitting on the woman next to me. It was so uncomfortable, especially because she was into it. People actually do that? Yikes.
They took about six of us in the audition room at the same time and the judge called us up one at a time to do our thang. We each got ninety seconds. We each got zero feedback. And then we split and went to Taco Bell (not as a group, just my hungry self and my mother).
Q: Did you audition in front of Simon?
A: No, and I knew going into it that those judges don’t judge the initial auditions. I performed for some middle-aged balding man who could’ve literally been anyone. I don’t know his accomplishments or what qualifies him to be the only opinion that matters on my primary audition, but that’s out of my hands. He looked like he was ready to go home, to be completely honest.
Q: Did they give you any feedback?
A: No, it was a truly “thank u, next” situation (retail style, not Grande style)
Q: What were other talents you saw?
A: In line, I stood next to this girl who was a lyrical dancer and signed the words to the songs while dancing. I didn’t see her do it, but it sounds pretty sweet. In the waiting rooms, I saw people doing dances and gymnastic moves, ventriloquist routines, comedy sketches. Nothing out of the ordinary. Before you go audition, they split you up by act, so all the people I saw were other singers. There was this one other girl with her ukulele singing an original song, and she could’ve rivaled me. But she was ten years old, and her songwriting was typical for that of a ten year old. It was cute though. There was an Asian sitting next to me (amazing singer/guitar player) and he had a tatt behind his ear that said “b l e s s” and I wondered if he saw the one behind my ear and if he could read it…
Q: When will you hear back?
A: IF I hear back at all, it will be in about a month. And honestly, I’m not holding my breath. Baldie did not look impressed.
Q: What was your talent?
A: If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m a songwriter! So I sang one of my songs. I couldn’t fit a guitar on the plane, so I brought my uke. You can check me out on the SoundCloud.
https://soundcloud.com/tyffani-hoff/life-is-a-beach/s-ZvjwW
Heckfest @ Tyffani's 
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