HaCkEd LoL🤪

Ok so pardon the high school headline, but I had the most bizarre encounter with a hacker (blackmailer?) this past week and I think it’s SO. FUNNY.

So what happened is this: a few months ago, I wanted to watch Guardians of the Galaxy. I’d never seen it, the second one was on Netflix, taunting me, and so I did a very unchristian thing and *drumroll* Google’d where to watch it online for free.

Now of course I knew this would give me viruses, but I /really/ wanted to watch this movie. And I was getting a new laptop anyway, so what gives? I ended up finding a site fairly easily, but of course it came with unpleasant features, like stupid ads and even pornographic pop-ups (yikes).

Anyway, those things went away and I watched the movie. (Not even worth it, dude. I had so much more faith in a Chris Pratt movie).

Anyway, fast forward to like last week. I get this email

Keep in mind, she started the email by saying “this is your email and password” so like… I was a little freaked.

But let’s go through this piece by piece. “You visited this website to experience a little fun (you know what I mean)” like watch a movie illegally? Is that what you mean? Bc yea and it wasn’t even fun, thanks for the reminder.

“Next I made a double-screen video. First part shows the video you were watching (you have nice taste lmao)” well I’m glad you think so because I wasn’t that impressed. Looks like she’s a GotG fan.

“And the next part shows the recording of your web camera, and it’s you” ok cool 2 things: 1. You’ve… never met/seen me so how can you like… know that it’s me? And 2. Is it just like me, in my dark room, my hand pressed against my face to prop it up, just illuminated by the light from my laptop? Because not only is that dull, lifeless expression very attractive, I’m sure it’s also very exciting to watch.

“should you be in an important relationship, precisely how will it certainly affect?” I also wonder how precisely it would certainly affect. If only there was a simpler way to word that.

“I will certainly send out the video recording to your 14 friends” ok my fourteen friends? Like… who said I had 14 friends? Does she think my contact list only has 14 people? Which 14 friends???

“We will regard it as a donation” ok but why can’t we just call it blackmail like it is

“you will go on with normal life like this never took place” but why would I do that when I could blog about it I mean this is exciting material

“I have dealt with my moves” …have you? Really? What does that even mean.

“I only want to be rewarded” ok but for lying or for hacking or for speaking English in a really confusing way like I need clarity on what behavior you want me to reward

(I’d just like to say that I think people who try to speak English (as a second language) are troopers and most of the time extremely impressive for learning it. I try not to make fun of non-native speakers because I know it’s hard for them and speaking more than one language is a huge accomplishment. But if you’re using that to try and blackmail and exploit people for money? Sorry. Sympathy and support is gone. I’m not about that. If you use your knowledge/power to intentionally make others suffer, I’m not playing nice either.)

So anyway, when I got this email, I was a little freaked because she knew my main password. So I told my mom and a couple of my friends about it to talk it through and realize that it’s ridiculous. But then I also had to think: “????? I want to see this video????” Like I know if there was a video sent out, probably nobody would open it because of viruses, but I was so curious?? I’d definitely watch a recording of my facial reactions to that movie.

Anyway. Nobody I know got a video, unfortunately. But the funniest part of it was that she threatened to send a (nonexistent) video out to my contacts when she had the password to my online banking??? Like she could have done some real damage instead of make stuff up. What a phony.

And the next funniest part is:

“You will make this payment via bitcoin”

I watched an explanation and apparently one bitcoin is worth like $19000 (or was in dec. 2017, I just looked it up and now it’s worth $8,200) and I know you can buy like half a bitcoin and a fourth of bitcoin, but I would rather the ENTIRE WORLD think I watched porn than pay someone ANY amount of bitcoins.

Anyway, illegally streaming movies = bad idea. Now you know.

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